First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
