I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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