Can Purell be used as lube?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
