i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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