I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
