after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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