you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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