I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
