Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
