he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
