Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
