Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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