just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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