When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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