What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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