i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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