gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
