Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
