I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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