dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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