The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
