I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
