so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
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