My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
