Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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