she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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