he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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