You kept calling me your small dog last night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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