sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
