How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
