one word: firstdatebathroomanal
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
