I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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