she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
