I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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