just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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