Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
