i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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