Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
