saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize