Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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