i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
