I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I deserve this hangover.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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