if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
