we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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