my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
