NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
