I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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