i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
