I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
