just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
