Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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