that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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