She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
