our cab driver is having phone sex.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
