Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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