Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize