So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
