She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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