GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
