Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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